Friday, May 17, 2013

Waiting for the Senior Slam

I'm old.

This is not a realization I've come to lightly, nor am I looking for a groundswell of comments hellbent on convincing me I am still in my prime.  I am not elderly.  I'm not even a senior citizen, although I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't mind being able to order that Senior Slam at Denny's every now and then. And I know the saying goes that you are only as old as you feel. But I don't just feel old. Everything from my DVR to my refrigerator confirms that the youth in my rear view mirror is farther than it appears.

Here are a few examples:

  • All shorts and skirts are too short.  This is true for kids, teenagers, 20 somethings, and especially everything in my closet. 
  • You can often hear me say, "This morning on The Today Show . . . "  I haven't started calling it The Today Program yet.  I think that happens when I get my AARP card.
  • If I miss the early showing of a movie, not only do I refuse to wait for the late showing, I simply opt to wait for the movie to come out on Redbox.
  • Weather is a main topic of conversation.  
  • I no longer worry about not being taken seriously in my career due to my youthful appearance.  
  • Dying my hair is no longer just for fun.
  • I can name approximately one out of every ten songs on a rock, alternative, or pop radio station.    This is generally because that is the same ratio of retro songs played by those stations.
  • I frequently use phrases like, "You're sitting to close to the t.v.," "You'll poke your eye out," and "Because I said so," with no irony.
  • Being carded has gone from an insult to a complement.
  • My Cosmo magazine with headlines like, 30 Ways to Please Your Man, has been replaced with a Food Network magazine with headlines like 30 Ways to Cook Chicken.
  • I carry Tums in my purse to eat after meals that are too spicy, too greasy, have too much dairy, come from fast food restaurants, are eaten too late at night, are too big, or sometimes just contain food.  If I'm with a 20 something crowd, I pretend the Tums are gum and chew them for a few minutes.  If I'm with a 30 something crowd, I hand them out like candy.
  • Every cosmetic I own has the words "anti-aging" or "wrinkle" in it.  Sadly, I also still have products with the words "acne" in them.  This is the work of a cruel God.
I'm not complaining. 

Being old has its advantages.  My car insurance is less expensive, my husband is legally bound to wake up with me every morning, and I am much wiser than I was a decade ago.  

I look at my life, my husband,  my kids, and even my thighs, and to be perfectly honest, I love being 36. Tums and all. 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Waiting for My Jedi

Buried within the blogs documenting trials of motherhood, chronic illness, and my crazy life, last year on this date, I wrote a blog post  to help my fellow brides navigate marriage to a Star Wars geek. It turned out to be one of my most read blog posts of all times, leading me to believe that people married to Star Wars geeks are in deed looking for a community of support, love, advice, and above all, humor.

And so, on this Star Wars Day, I bring to you my second annual post for all of us --male or female--living life with a Star Wars Fanatic.

Things to Teach Your Kids to Say to Drive Star Wars Fanatics Crazy

- My favorite part was when they melted Hans Solo from the wax.

- I like that pointy eared Spock guy.

- What do you think the O.B stands for in O.B 1?  Maybe he was the first Outstanding Battler or something.

- Darth Mal's costume is way cooler than Darth Vader's.

- Why can't Luke just marry Princess Leah? He really loves her.

- I like the movie with the Ewoks the best.

- I really don't understand why everyone thinks the graphics were so great in the original movies.

- I want to be Jar Jar Binks for Halloween.

Happy Star Wars Day.  And as always, May the Fourth be with you.