Friday, May 17, 2013

Waiting for the Senior Slam

I'm old.

This is not a realization I've come to lightly, nor am I looking for a groundswell of comments hellbent on convincing me I am still in my prime.  I am not elderly.  I'm not even a senior citizen, although I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't mind being able to order that Senior Slam at Denny's every now and then. And I know the saying goes that you are only as old as you feel. But I don't just feel old. Everything from my DVR to my refrigerator confirms that the youth in my rear view mirror is farther than it appears.

Here are a few examples:

  • All shorts and skirts are too short.  This is true for kids, teenagers, 20 somethings, and especially everything in my closet. 
  • You can often hear me say, "This morning on The Today Show . . . "  I haven't started calling it The Today Program yet.  I think that happens when I get my AARP card.
  • If I miss the early showing of a movie, not only do I refuse to wait for the late showing, I simply opt to wait for the movie to come out on Redbox.
  • Weather is a main topic of conversation.  
  • I no longer worry about not being taken seriously in my career due to my youthful appearance.  
  • Dying my hair is no longer just for fun.
  • I can name approximately one out of every ten songs on a rock, alternative, or pop radio station.    This is generally because that is the same ratio of retro songs played by those stations.
  • I frequently use phrases like, "You're sitting to close to the t.v.," "You'll poke your eye out," and "Because I said so," with no irony.
  • Being carded has gone from an insult to a complement.
  • My Cosmo magazine with headlines like, 30 Ways to Please Your Man, has been replaced with a Food Network magazine with headlines like 30 Ways to Cook Chicken.
  • I carry Tums in my purse to eat after meals that are too spicy, too greasy, have too much dairy, come from fast food restaurants, are eaten too late at night, are too big, or sometimes just contain food.  If I'm with a 20 something crowd, I pretend the Tums are gum and chew them for a few minutes.  If I'm with a 30 something crowd, I hand them out like candy.
  • Every cosmetic I own has the words "anti-aging" or "wrinkle" in it.  Sadly, I also still have products with the words "acne" in them.  This is the work of a cruel God.
I'm not complaining. 

Being old has its advantages.  My car insurance is less expensive, my husband is legally bound to wake up with me every morning, and I am much wiser than I was a decade ago.  

I look at my life, my husband,  my kids, and even my thighs, and to be perfectly honest, I love being 36. Tums and all. 


  1. I love that you're my *younger* 36 year old wife ;)

  2. I love that I have a devastatingly handsome older man who is legally bound to wake up with me every morning.