Monday, August 31, 2009

Waiting for The One

The following is cross-posted on Sonja Cassella's blog, Fort Worth Renaissance. I am honored to have had the opportunity to be a guest blogger on Sonja's blog. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, I hope you will. I'm sure it will quickly become a favorite of yours,as it is mine. Fort Worth natives (and those who would like to be) will enjoy her unique perspective of and beyond.

Waiting for The One

I’ve met many women who tell me that the reason they spend so much time sitting across the table from uninteresting men, laughing at jokes that aren’t funny and eating a dinner salad when what they really want is a big juicy steak topped with bacon with a side of bacon is that these dates, no matter how horrid, help them create a checklist of they are looking for in a mate.

- Bob may have been obnoxious but he had great teeth.

Number One [Division Of Laura Lee]

Image by occhichiusi via Flickr

- Seth had bad breath but he held the door open for me.

- Tyler slurped his soup, talked about his ex-girlfriends all night, tried to grab my breasts when we got in the car, and ate my cucumbers, but he has a job.

- James dresses great, talks to his mom three times a week, loves musical theater, has never been married, offered to take me shopping, give me a make-over, and set his roommate Brian up with my best friend . . . wait a minute.

I view dating from a different perspective. I believe dating allows you to create a list of things that you don’t want in a life-long mate. Once you find someone who doesn’t match that list, you know he (or she) is the one.

Since this may be a new concept for you, let me illustrate with my personal example. Other than my husband, I’ll use descriptors rather than names. However, it is important to keep a couple of things in mind.

- These examples are 10-15 years ago (I was very young when I started dating).

- Most importantly, just because I (or you) place something on this type of list, it does not make the associated person bad or flawed (barring physical or verbal abuse). It just means they weren’t The One. When it comes down to it, most of my ex’s could list a flaw or two of mine (I’m not eliciting a challenge).

The Things I Didn’t Want In The One - As Learned From My Ex-boyfriends

- High School Obsession – Drank too much.

- Long Term High School Boyfriend – Didn’t get my sense of humor.

- Short Term College Boyfriend –More interested in my body than my mind.

- Long Term College Boyfriend – Wanted me to be a mild mannered, size 4, blond, Southern Baptist vegetarian.

Then I met Richie and he wasn’t all of the things I didn’t want.

We met in college, so I won’t tell you we didn’t enjoy a few cocktails on occasion, but there were distinct differences between him and my High School Obsession. First, he was 21 not 17. Second, he knew the difference between having a drink, and drinking to get drunk.

Not only did he get and appreciate my sense of humor, he made me laugh.

Richie and I both majored in Communication Studies, which provided a common interest, but even outside the academic realm there never seemed to be a shortage of areas for discussion. I won’t say he wasn’t interested in my body, but he always respected my decision to wait until I was married to have sex.

Richie and I were friends before we started dating, which has its advantages, one of which is by the time we started dating he had already seen the real me. The loud, silly, bacon loving, frizzy haired, charismatic, size 8. That is the girl he fell in love with.

The advantage to creating a checklist of traits you don’t want as opposed to a never-ending list of must haves is that you enable yourself to see your potential mate for who they really are and not who you want to make them into. Because the truth is, as much as you may believe you can, you cannot change another person, no matter how much you love them or how much they love you. That is why, whatever your expectations, if a potential partner does not meet them, you will both be much happier if you cut your losses and move on than if you spend the next ten years trying to change that person. I tell you that as someone who spent three years a very miserable size four, blond vegetarian.

But, then it happens! You find someone who isn’t all the things you don’t want. It may be someone you have known for years or it may be someone you just met. All you know is that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you should. Because when you know, you know. And when that happens, I promise, you won’t need to date one more person to figure it out. Because your list will be complete.

How did you know he or she was The One? Share your thoughts.


  1. I knew you were the one b/c you made me feel like I was the only one that matters, you made me laugh, you were (and are) my best friend, and I couldn't see spending my life without you. There wasn't much left to figure out after that. Thank you for sharing your post and for the wonderful reminder.

  2. I love your writing, Kristen! You inspired me so much that I have to share my story now. :)

    I also had lists of what I did or didn't want in a guy, but somehow those lists never applied to real people in real situations. I always found that the guy just was or wasn't right. Many guys fit all of the criteria on the 'what I want' list, but I didn't feel any connection with them. And somehow I would really want to hang on to guys who possessed qualities that I didn't really admire at all. And then I met my husband and he just 'was'. Like you said...when you know, then you know.

    When I got home after having met him, I sat down on the floor and cried...and cried and cried. This had never happened to me before (not after a good date, anyways :)). I didn't even know why I was crying but I couldn't stop. I assumed they were tears of happiness but also perhaps tears of fear. Deep down I kind of knew my single life was over, possibly forever. When I finally wiped the tears away, I sat down at the computer and wrote....details of everything that had happened that day and evening because I knew it would be an event I would want to remember long into the future. This was just so different from anything I had ever experienced.

    As we got to know each other more, through good and bad times, I continued believing that he was The One because I knew I couldn't live without him....and didn't want to. And I also knew he felt the same about me. That always helps. :)

    I think sometimes destiny does play a role if we really stop and listen to hints we are given along the way. On the way to the city the night that I met my husband, my friend had said in the car, 'we're on our way to meet your future husband.' We laughed then, but little did we know that in the end it would turn out to be the truth. I could go on and on about how many events did/didn't happen that day that should have prevented us from meeting and how just a minute here or there would've resulted in a totally different story, but I will stop for now. I am happy with the ending I got. :)


  3. Alyssa,
    Thank you for sharing that beautiful story. I completely understand about events that happen that could have prevented you from meeting The One. Richie always tells me that everything in life comes down to timing and that there are things, both good and bad, that we have to go through in order to get to our final destination. I have come to understand that he is right (don't you just hate it when husbands are right!).

    I am so glad you got your happy ending, and your beautiful little boy as well!
    Kristen~ @kescovedo

  4. goose bumps!! It is SO very true that you just corny as that sounds to the people that have not yet met the one, you truly do just know!! I knew before I met Chet in person that he was the one! We had dated through an "accidental" online meeting (I was spying on someone thru an online dating site!!) and for some strange reason he was the one and only person I accepted a personal chat invite from...8 months later he moved from WA to MT to live with me and 14 months after that we were married! Follow your heart and the one will show him/herself to you one day...

    Melissa Reid