The ten best things about best friends: A.K.A. How to survive middle school

My daughter starts middle school next year. I'm not going to lie, saying those words makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. My middle school years brought stereotypical grief. The mix of braces, freckles, a spiral perm, first chair spot in band and desire to be smart combined with my lack of athletic ability made me quite an ugly duckling. And like every ugly duckling, what I wanted more than anything else was to be a cheerleader, or the female middle school equivalent of a swan.

Waiting for prince....ummmm....whoever.

I have always been a lover of Disney movies. Even so, I used to believe that they set a bad example for us gals. Whenever a princess, a step sister, a mermaid, or basically any girl with power to sing to animals would find herself in some sort of trouble, along would come prince charming (or another perfect prince, Eric, John, whatever the name) and he would save the day and they would live happily ever after.

It isn't even the happily ever after part that bothered me, even though, that is a tough one.  It was the perfect prince, and the easiness with which the princess, stepdaugther, mermaid, etc, snagged him. I mean, I dated. A lot, and not once did I find a prince. Now I could chalk this up to the fact we live in a democracy and I would need to travel across the pound to find an actual prince.  But I think the more likely explaination is that there are no Prince Charmings. No Prince Erics.

But as I sit here watching Tangled with my daughter, I have an even bigger issue with the more recent Disney movies. It started with Beauty and the Beast, kept on with The Princess and the Frog, Tangled, and even Cars.

What these movies teach is that you can turn a beast into a prince with your kindness, a snowball fight, some singing dishes, and well, love.

It teaches that the lying, fun loving prince who is broke and looking only to marry for money will have a change of heart after his time as a frog.

A thief will completely change his ways after watching you hit a few guys with a frying pan, dance, and share a moment in a boat watching flying lanterns.

To me, this message is more dangerous to our daughters than the idea that there is a prince charming waiting in the wings. It is the idea that they can take a horrible person and change them into prince charming. If they just love him enough, sing enough songs, and of course, share some kind of dance (dancing seems to be the key).

This isn't to say that people can't change. Certainly they can and do. But falling in love with someone with the idea that you can change them, well, that is even more absurd than happily ever after. If you  look at someone and think, "I could love him if just...." Or "I'm sure that once we are together he will stop...." Well, that isn't fair to the princess or the theif.  If someone has to completely change who they are to earn tour love, they will never be happy. And neither will you.

Because people change because they want to change. Not because someone is constantly nagging them, or singing, or even dancing with them.  I have seen a lot of relationships that start with the hopes of one person changing the other. I haven't seen many of them succeed.

Because whether we marry Prince Charming or the Beast, we should love them for who they are. It isn't our job to change them. It is our job to look at their shortcomings and faults, to see their distinct lack of royalty,  and decide we love them anyway. Just like they are.

So maybe Disney movies aren't the best guide to relationships. Which I guess is why I, as a mom, have to show my daughter how to love unconditionally. I hope as she watches me unconditionally loving her daddy she will learn that she should fall in love with the man who is, not who she wants him to be. And as she watches him love me unconditionally, she should learn that she should never have to change who she is for a man.

Because if he truly is a prince, charming or otherwise, he will love her for exactly who she is. And she will do the same.

That is how I found my happily ever after.

Waiting to see "I do"

Every time I look at our refrigerator (which is quite frequently), I am faced with three wedding invitations.  This is evidence that wedding season is upon us. This week, with all of the Time magazine hub bub, I couldn't help asking myself if I was, in fact, mom enough to let my little man grow up.  Oh, we are way past nursing issues (and I won't even chime in my opinion).  We have even conquered potty training and pre-school.  But as my mind swirled with images of wedding invitations and my sweet little man,  tears filled my eyes.  I am incredibly overly dramatic, given that my little man is only four and surely his wedding is a couple of decades away.

Still, as I cuddled up with him in his Spiderman blanket watching him sleep, I began to think of all of the things I would like to tell his future wife.  Seeing as the web is forever, I thought I would just jot that list down here.

• I will be able to tell the first time he brings you home that he adores you.  I may know before he does that you are "the one" because I will have seen that look of adoration hundreds of times, only all of those times it was directed at me.
• I will be both relieved and devastated that he has found someone to adore. I have become quite accustomed to being the most important woman in his life.
• My reluctance to let him go will have nothing to do with you.  It will be a mixture of sadness marking the official end of his childhood and the fear that he will never again need me.  Don't take my feelings personally.  I've been dreading this day since he was four.
   
• I will teach him to pick up after himself, to do laundry, put away dishes, and vacuum.  This is a wedding gift 20 years in the making.  In return I ask that you make sure he calls home more often than my birthday and Mother's Day.
   
•  Every time he was hurt or scared, I held him until he felt better. This is now your job.  He may never tell you that he needs it, but I need to know you will hold him when life beats him down.
• When you look at him, you will see a grown, independent man.  I will see a toddler in a Spiderman costume, eating fruit snacks and building a Lego world.  You won't understand this until you have a son.  By then it will be too late for me to explain. Besides, there will be no need. You will get it the first time you hold him in your arms.
• He adored me.  More than anything, at one time, this little man thought his mommy could do no wrong.  That position in his heart belongs to you now. Please live up to it, because it is precious and very hard for me to pass on.
• He is perfect. Even though he is loud and stubborn, opinionated and messy. I couldn't change who he is at his core, and neither can you.  Your life will be easier and indefinitely more fantastic if you embrace all that he is.
• You will walk down the aisle and your father will give you away.  I will sit not too far from there silently doing the same.  It will break my heart.
• I will love you because my son loves you, and I will see it every time he looks at you. And when I see you look at him the same way, I will love you even more.
• I will teach him how to love unconditionally.  Please do not ever abuse that privilege.
• Please do not ever ask me to chose between you and him.  I will almost certainly chose him every time.  This does not have anything to do with you.  If he is ever in a position to chose between you and me, I expect him to chose you.  That doesn't mean I will like it.
• I will make my best effort to remember what it was like to be young and so in love that nothing mattered but how much I loved my future husband.  In turn, please try to imagine what it is like to give away a piece of your heart, because that is what I'm doing.
• I have been praying for you since the day he was born.  I know that God chose you for him. This is the one thing that will help me let him go.